The Year of the Randi

I'll be honest, I have never been so ready for the New Year. And from what I've heard, it's not just me. There was something about 2012 that made us all hurt and grow in ways we never imagined.

For me, this year has been the worst and most amazing year of my life. I have never felt pain and heartache more deeply, but with that I have gained more confidence and assurance with who I am and what I am capable of working through.

To give you an idea of what this year has been like, here are the high (and low) lights of 2012.

*Dealt with three deaths of three people very dear to me. One from illness, one from an accident, and one from suicide. All three different and difficult to deal with in their own way.

*Lost the love of my life. Not by death, but by divorce. But interestingly enough, it has felt a lot like a death. It was a relatively mutual decision, but I was not prepared for how hard and painful it would end up being.

*Lived in Costa Rica working as a Yoga Teacher and Massage Therapist. What a whirlwind of adventure, therapy, and unique challenges that was.

*Due to having to work so much to keep myself financially afloat as a newly single person, I had to give my dear dog Maeby away. I worked full time 30 min away, and it was just too long to have her home alone. It ripped my heart out. She was my dog, my baby, my everything. I wasn't lonely with her around, and we just understood each other. Luckily my friends took her, and I still get updates on how she is, but saying goodbye to her was a very, very hard goodbye.

*Downsized my life from a townhouse to a Subaru, sold my furniture, took everything else to the thrift store, sorted through photos and love letters from a life that no longer exists that I was saving for a future that will never come and threw most of them away. Said goodbye to loved old and new friends, mountains, family, ex-family, and memories that I've known for the past 7 years and moved back home to Fargo.

*Moved into my parents basement as a broken and broke 27 year old.

*Fell in love with Fargo and started to build a life for myself that was mine and only mine.

*I became an auntie to the cutest little girl on the planet!

*Became a published writer writing for The High Plains Reader and ArtsPulse.

*Started writing and playing music again with an amazing musician that inspires me. I haven't been writing for about 6 years, and it feels so good to be creating music again.

*Started doing improv again with the Linebenders, which has been hilarious and delightful.

*Scored a job that I love and will hopefully jumpstart me into a career that I will really enjoy.

*Connected with old friends and have made some pretty incredible new friends. I have been so blessed with the most incredible friends this year, in Utah and in Fargo. They don't even realize how much they have saved me.

As I look back on this year, I am amazed at how much my life and myself has changed in such a short amount of time. If you would have told me all that would happen from last New Years to this one, I wouldn't of believed you. And if I did, I would have anticipated it being the end of me. I would have thought that it would destroy me completely.

But it didn't destroy me. In fact, quite the opposite happened. By some miracle, it has turned me into the person that I have always wanted to become, but never really got around to. As I started to fall out of love with my ex, I somehow started to fall more in love with myself.

I became determined to create the security, confidence, and, like I mentioned in my last post, a sense of home that I got from having a husband for myself. And I'm getting there. I am just starting to get to know myself again and feel happy in my own skin.

And I want to continue on this Randi-lovin' train as I go into 2013. I have declared it "The Year of the Randi." Yes, I recognize the conceit of this title, but I don't really care. I have spent so many years caring so much about what people think and revolving my life around what others are doing and want for me. And ya know what? I'm sick of it. There is a time and place for all things, and this year I'm making it about me, as selfish as that sounds.

I have big plans for 2014 and the years to come, so 2013 is my year to plan, prepare, and heal. Become my best self physically and mentally. Become independent financially and emotionally. And I really can't wait. Most of 2012 has been a fog of confusion and unknowns, and it feels so, so good to have direction and goals that really inspire me.

So here's to a new year, folks. May it bring new challenges and joy, but mostly joy. I know we could all use it.